Tonight, I am filled with joy. These last few weeks have been extremely challenging. It has been emotionally draining, mentally exhausting and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten less sleep in my whole life! Needless to say, college life has been a little rough (and not to mention very very busy, which would be the reason it took me so long to write this). If it’s been so hard, though, why am I filled with joy tonight? Because it has been so good! Because my God is so good and even though He uses painful things to work in my life, it’s all worth it because in the end, He’s still good and He loves me!

I’ll be super honest and just say I have absolutely no idea how to say all that I want to share with guys. I have learned so much from being here and it has nothing to do with the classes or the curriculum. I believe God brought me here for a lot of different reasons and I really just want to share with you guys some of the things on my heart since I came here. So here are some of my thoughts/ things I have been dealing with:

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“God doesn’t love me. And if there’s nothing I can do to make Him love me, then I don’t want to live anymore.”

Two weeks into my time at BGU and that’s where I was. I had struggled for years with this issue of endlessly trying to earn God’s love. I had convinced myself that there was no way in the whole world that I could be loved by God, and yet somehow I knew that was the only thing worth living for. So I worked my butt off trying to earn the love and approval I desperately wanted. It was useless though. All my “good deeds” were just filthy rags. God didn’t want my piled up accomplishments and activities, even though I was doing it all for Him. When I arrived at BGU, my world came crashing down. I came to realize that while on the outside, I looked like such an obedient Christian, really in my heart, I had decided that if I couldn’t live to earn God’s love, then I must get that love somewhere else. So I decided in my heart to live for self-approval, and with my high standards, that was really hard. I got stuck in an endless cycle of pride and self-pity and when I came to BGU, I came as a person who thought she was “all out” for Jesus, but was really just living for herself. My identity was wrapped up in my ability to perform well in life, and it was a shaky foundation to live upon. I had completely forgotten about having a relationship with God, and to be honest, I didn’t want one with him because of who I thought God was – distant, demanding and unloving. Yet all around me there were these people who were sold out for Jesus. I saw that everyone around me had such a deep passion and love and great joy. I started to get frustrated because I wanted what they had and felt like I just couldn’t get it. I started crying out to God, begging Him to give me an answer to my questions of “how can I be happy like they are?” “What do they have that I don’t?”, “God, what do you want me to do?!”

This was His response: Remain in me. Stop doing, and just be. Remain in me. It’s a verse in the Bible. In John 15:4. It’s what Jesus says to His disciples not long before He gets crucified. And I heard it everywhere. The professors would quote it in class, the speaker would bring it up during chapel, it would pop up in the devotional books I was reading. Sometimes when I would just grab my Bible and pray “God speak to me” I would get this urge to go to John 15 and lo and behold, there it was: Remain in me. I heard it a million times in the course of those first few weeks, but I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant. God must have wanted me to understand though, so He soon made it clear: don’t go away from Me. Stay with Me. Stop doing things to try and earn My love. I already love you more than you can understand, now just stop, and be with Me.

                  He loves me. He wants to be with me. God, who is perfect, says “I love you” to me? A nasty, selfish and just a total broken mess of a person? God, who owns everything from the Milky Way to dust bunnies under your bed, says “I want you??” This is the most profound thing I have ever heard or known! And yet, I think I really believe it. Yes, is it going to take time to heal the wounds of the past few years? Of course it will. And will there be days where I doubt God’s love for me and begin to wander back into my old ways? Absolutely, in fact, it is a daily battle I must fight. But in the end, I come to the conclusion that if, after all this time, God never gave up on me, not once; if He was willing to give up his very heart, His very Son, Jesus for me, then God must love me with a radical, unquenchable love that will never go away no matter what I do, no matter what happens. This is the great love that I want in my life and this is the God I want to live my life for. I want Jesus.

Once I rediscovered that God loves me and that He wants a relationship with me, I began to search out what that relationship would look like. I started asking the question: How does a person spend time with God? Relationships require that the people in the relationship spend time with each other, so…I need to spend time with God. So what? I just like, read my Bible and pray and stuff? Well yes, these are good things. Something I realized about myself though is that I came up with this idea that God is spiritual and so the only things He really cares about are spiritual/religious things (like reading the Bible, praying, going to church and so on). I figured He didn’t really understand or care about simple human things like going on walks, painting, or grocery shopping. My idea, then, about spending time with God was very limited. I mean if the only time God was really with me was when I was reading my Bible or praying, then I wasn’t going to be able to spend a lot of time with Him. Yet, I had the wrong idea, because the truth is, God does care about our everyday “human” activities. After all, He’s the one who made us human in the first place.

I love what my Lifegroup leader said to me when I was discussing this with her. She said you don’t always have to be doing something religious to spend time with God. Sometimes it’s nice to just do something you like to do (like painting or jogging or something like that) and just invite God to be with you while you do it. At first I thought this sounded a little odd, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says “whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God.” What could bring more glory to God than knowing His heart through spending time with Him? After all, it’s when we know His heart that we start living our lives differently-devoted to Him. That’s when He is glorified. And this verse says everything. So why not spend time with God when you’re washing the dishes? Isn’t this what children do with their earthly fathers? I know that sometimes, I just like having my dad sit with me while I fold my laundry or do my homework. Sometimes we talk. Other times though it’s just nice to have him there with me. The Bible says God is our Father, so why do we not do this with Him? I’ll be the first to say it’s sort of an awkward experience if you have never just invited God to come spend time with you. You may not feel like anything is really happening or it may seem silly. The idea, though, is that whatever you are doing, God wants to be a part of it. He wants to be there, He wants to have a say, and most importantly, He wants us to be the ones to invite Him into our lives. Jesus didn’t tell people “Get ready! I am coming into your house now!” No, he said “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person and they with me” (Revelation 3:20). God is standing at the door waiting for our invitation for Him to come in. He won’t force Himself on us, we have to let Him in. And the best way to start is to simply say, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, “Jesus just come be with me in this right now”, and He comes. It’s kind of crazy, but I have been trying to do this the last few weeks-just stop and ask God to come be with me, and it has been so good! God really does come when you ask Him. I don’t always feel super “spiritual” or have these amazing revelations or anything, but I certainly do feel God’s presence and I do experience His peace in those moments and sometimes God will just bring things into my mind or heart and speak to me that way. It’s really amazing, especially when you think “this is God, and he is with me right now!”

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Well that’s all I have for now! (sorry it was so long!!) Thanks to anyone who is reading this and for your support and for your prayers!

Here are just some things you can pray for:

~homesickness (this has been a huge struggle for me and something I deal with almost every day so I would very much appreciate prayers for this!)

~ strength/endurance in my studies as well as my walk with Jesus. This school is very intense in the topics we discuss and the workload can become very stressful at times. Also God has really been breaking down/ tearing apart certain areas of my life (all to bring healing and build my faith), but that is something that can be really challenging and exhausting.

~to build good relationships with people/ make friends

Again, thanks so much!! I love you guys!!

Savannah